sf red book home sfredbook

"Sexual Addiction?"

 
Printer-friendly version of this topic
Bookmark this topic (Registered users only) 		 
Previous Topic | Next Topic 
Conferences Red Book Diaries (Public)
Original message

Anonymous* (33 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
11-Jan-01, 01:19 PM (PDT)
"Sexual Addiction?"
I am compeled to write this because I believe this "hobby" has become the most destructive force in my life. I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for several years and strippers, hookers and massuses have become my new addiction.

I wanted to post a web site that might be helpful for those of you that can relate to the time consuming cycle of shame and remorse that I have felt around these activities.

www.sexaa.org There are local meetings every day listed on this site as well as helpful literature. I highly recomend the book
"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Karnes. (Look in the non-Saa literature section).

The only requirement is a desire to stop.

For those of you that this does not apply keep on humping. If the rewards become smaller than the risk/pain, then check this out.

I am not affiliated with, nor a spokes person for, any of the above info. Just someone who has promised himself again and again that "this is the last time", and it never is.

  Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

  Table of Contents

 
 
Lobby | Topics | Previous Topic | Next Topic

Messages in this topic

Running Boy* (17 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
11-Jan-01, 01:38 PM (PDT)
1. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
I'm with you. This post may do well on the diaries page as well . . .
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

escritic (781 posts) Click to send private message to escritic Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
11-Jan-01, 04:45 PM (PDT)
2. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"

I feel your pain.
However, you can't see a provider if you don't have any $$$.
Ever thought about putting your money into your retirement fund instead?
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

handman* (9 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
11-Jan-01, 06:32 PM (PDT)
3. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
I respect your honesty... and courage.

I think we have probably all had times when we've felt the emptimess and perhaps shame of being intimate with someone who didn't treat us well, or perhaps was clearly using us for our money (as we were using them for their bodies). When the pleasure is over, the money is gone and the fantasy has faded, I sometimes find myself asking "Was it worth it?" Truthfully, sometimes I think it was. But far more often, I don't.

We all come to terms with these things in our own ways: some make vows to stop (very difficult to do), others become more obsessed with finding the perfect fantasy mate/experience (somehow we never get enough, do we?). My current compromise is to stay away from providers/behaviors that don't make me feel good about myself. Easier said than done

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

netranger (5 posts) Click to send private message to netranger Click to check IP address of the poster
12-Jan-01, 12:55 PM (PDT)
4. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
I also hear what you are saying. I am been "clean" for only 4 weeks now. I got into a once a week habit of seeing someone at AMP. Very expensive and actually unfullfeeling. I can't say I will stop completely, but I am try to go as long as possible between "adventures". So far so good. I'm just living through everyone else via Redbook.

Thanks for the website, I will check it out.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

mrbig* (15 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
12-Jan-01, 01:51 PM (PDT)
5. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
I am clean for 2 months now and I try to give myself a treat for doing this. Its tough, but I now have a girlfriend and usually get great sex. When times are great and she feels good we may have sex 5 times a week.

On new years eve - she was a maniac and had me going for 6 hours thru the night. Spanking + allowing me to cum in her mouth.

Now we are going thru a dry spell, so 2 times a week at most!

In short, the longer you stay away, the easier it will be. Its tough, but hang in there buddy.

GOOD LUCK

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

FatherConfessor (47 posts) Click to send private message to FatherConfessor Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
13-Jan-01, 01:02 PM (PDT)
6. "You are correct, sir!"
Just wanted to jump in and say, "yes, for some people, this can definitely be a very destructive force." Some people can drink socially and others are abusive drunks. Some people can gamble for fun and others will ruin their lives because of gambling. Or shopping. Or eating. For a number of people, sexual addiction can RUIN a life.

Thanks for the link to SexAA. I have found that by helping others to deal with their addiction, it helps me to deal with mine. Why don't you check out some of my threads in the archives. Some really brave souls posted their hearts.

You hang in there! My usual advice is to:

1) go talk to someone, but you already seem to already be doing that
2) if you are willing, ask for divine assistance, which AA is based on already
3) if you do slip, don't kill yourself over it, just clean up and get back on the wagon and realize that change takes time

By the way, there are a few rare providers who understand sex addiction, and would be willing to help set up something similar to a sexual nicotene patch system for you. They talk to you in a therapeutic manner, do Tantric kinds of stuff, can be trusted to discuss the other parts of your life that are pushing you toward sex providers, and work within a modality of breaking free of an addictive pattern. Look around for Hana, and I hear that Cyrille is thinking of doing this as well.

And for the rest of you who are NOT addicted, please ignore us and do not blast us with negative posts.

FC

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

WaywardSoul* (1 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
13-Jan-01, 01:36 PM (PDT)
7. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
Father:

Thank you for sharing. I am very interested in sexaa.

May I be so bold to ask a question.

Will there be many women at the meetings? I am serious. I am very worried that I will attend the meetings -- with all the sincerest intentions -- and then be tempted by women at the meetings, sharing their addiction to sex too. Seems like a very very hard environment in which to stay "clean"

I can see it now: I pour out my heart, open and be vulnerable. There is a woman in the room, we feel a connection, she consoles me .. and we find outselves f*cking.

Now I and I am sure she will feel even worse!

This is a seriosu question. I would really appreciate serious and thoughtful replies. Thank you.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

to wayward soul* (1 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
15-Jan-01, 06:35 PM (PDT)
8. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
I am a woman. I think that most at these meeting would be men. Although I have not participated in this, just my own experience and those of my female friends, would lead to to that conclusion.

Consider for a moment. If women were as driven to sexual expression as men, there would be no "hobby".

Are you uncomfortable with the fact that you are now paying for sex? Or are you making the lady in your life uncomfortable with insatient demands? These are different questions and different issues.

Another issue would be if you are currently married and not experiencing enough intimacy/or unable to stop seeing escorts.

I do not know your circumstance. I know personally, as a woman, that I have had significant others that had more needs than I, and also some that had fewer needs. In both cases, I think that it is more of a compatibility issue than an actual problem.

I wish you the greatest of luck in your journey. And I will also add, that it is a journey that both sexes share, albeit in different ways. So good luck, and best of luck.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Lost* (2 posts) Click to EMail Lost%2A Click to check IP address of the poster
16-Jan-01, 02:25 AM (PDT)
9. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
I feel that i am an addict to seeing escort. The primary reason i can think of is my obsession with sex. There could be other underlying reasons that others can point out from my situation.

I am married with children and every time I see an escort, I feel ashamed not doing it ever again but the feeling is gone within hours. The situation is so bad that I have started to get into financial problems. It is shameful to not buy clothes for your kids and spend money on an escort. I realize that but can't help. Really don't know what to do? Please help me.

As I said, main reason that I would see an escort is being obsessed with sex. Whenever and whereever I would see a woman, in my imagination, I would have her with me having sex. I keep the same feeling invariably about all women, whether I see them on the street, in a restaurant, or everyday at work. Obviously, the extent of motivation to get involved in a sexual act depends upon how pretty the woman is to me. Also, I imagine having intimate sex with all these women, the type that you would not get from a professional. Maybe this is also why I always imagine that this escort that I am going to see next would provide me not only with sex but also with love and care. Do I need to see a psychiatrist??? I am totally lost.


>I am a woman. I
>think that most at these
>meeting would be men.
>Although I have not participated
>in this, just my own
>experience and those of my
>female friends, would lead to
>to that conclusion.
>
>Consider for a moment. If
>women were as driven to
>sexual expression as men, there
>would be no "hobby".
>
>Are you uncomfortable with the fact
>that you are now paying
>for sex? Or are
>you making the lady in
>your life uncomfortable with insatient
>demands? These are different
>questions and different issues.
>
>Another issue would be if you
>are currently married and not
>experiencing enough intimacy/or unable to
>stop seeing escorts.
>
>I do not know your circumstance.
> I know personally, as
>a woman, that I have
>had significant others that had
>more needs than I, and
>also some that had fewer
>needs. In both cases,
>I think that it is
>more of a compatibility issue
>than an actual problem.
>
>I wish you the greatest of
>luck in your journey.
>And I will also add,
>that it is a journey
>that both sexes share, albeit
>in different ways. So
>good luck, and best of
>luck.


  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

FatherConfessor (47 posts) Click to send private message to FatherConfessor Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
16-Jan-01, 05:29 PM (PDT)
11. "Re: Do you need to see a psychiatrist?"
It would be good for you to talk about your feelings openly with a professional therapist. Hopefully one who is sex-positive.

FC

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Lost* (2 posts) Click to EMail Lost%2A Click to check IP address of the poster
16-Jan-01, 05:38 PM (PDT)
12. "RE: Re: Do you need to see a psychiatrist?"
What is a "sex-positive" therapist?
How do I know before meeting whether one is sex-positive or sex-negative (if there is anything like sex-negative)

Thx

>It would be good for you
>to talk about your feelings
>openly with a professional therapist.
>Hopefully one who is sex-positive.
>
>
>FC


  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Anonymous* (33 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
25-Jan-01, 04:20 PM (PDT)
18. "Reply to Lost"
Dear Lost,
I feel your pain bro. Please see my first post on this string...the book "Out of the shadows is a good one for you" Ask any therapist for someone who specalizes in this area and you will get a referral.
Secondly, I might know why the remorse is there after "acting out" and then it leaves.
Sexual addiction works in a cycle...first there is the preoccupation and the ritual. For me the preoccupation is getting on the internet...looking at adds, porno ect. The ritual is getting the cash...freeing up time...telling a lie ect. (This first stage gets the motor running).
The second phase is the actual acting out.
Phase three is the remorse and shame. The way to get out of the remorse and shame is to start phase one (preoccupation and ritual) and, thus again goes the cycle.
I have been told the key is to remove the remorse and shame in phase three by getting help and realising that it is a disease and not just an act of shameless self will.
Good luck friend.
Anon.
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

FatherConfessor* (7 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
26-Jan-01, 02:19 PM (PDT)
19. "RE: Reply to Lost"
Wow, this is good advice. Thanks, Anon.
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

MrD (16 posts) Click to send private message to MrD Click to check IP address of the poster
22-Jan-01, 06:25 PM (PDT)
15. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
There's a guy named George Collins,MA, in the East Bay, he specializes in Sexual Addiction issues, he advertises on the back page of the Bay Guardian, SF Weekly and the East Bay Express. He is a clean former addict himself, has years of experience and lots of compassion, which in my opinion is the best type of person to get help from.
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Ashamed* (2 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
23-Jan-01, 08:35 AM (PDT)
16. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
Thank you
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

veteran (215 posts) Click to EMail veteran Click to send private message to veteran Click to check IP address of the poster
26-Jan-01, 03:15 PM (PDT)
20. "RE: therapists"
As I've posted before, I had a very intense affair 6 years ago with a former provider, a Ph.D. from the IASHS, who broke up with me, denouncing me as a "sex addict". This surprised me because she was so hot I was completely faithful to her, but I had told her of my former hobby and she was probably insecure that I'd go back to it. I did after she left me.
So I attempted to cure this "disease". I found an excellent therapist in the L.A. area (email me if you want his name and number) who had me read the usual books (Patrick Carnes was his teacher) and attend 12-step groups. The Sex and Love Addicts group I attended had some women in it, which inhibited my speaking; I judged the people there as "losers" and didn't return. The SAA group I attended once was all male, and from it I learned the value of speaking honestly about this subject, though the guilt trips those guys were on turned me off. This board is a safe place to open up about the problem.
Not having found a therapist in the Bay Area whom I respect (I thought one mentioned on this thread was a creep), I still talk to the L.A. therapist occasionally. We don't do therapy, just share about our lives, because so much of the addiction stems from tremendous loneliness.
He advised me early on to be celibate for 30 days. I was able to do that for 30 days when I was on Maui recently; I had very good friends there, enjoyed the relaxed beauty of island life, and besides there weren't any decent providers there so far as I knew. The celibacy cleared my agitated mind somewhat.
But as soon as I returned here, the addiction returned with even greater force, I'm spending much more than my usual budget, and I'm getting infatuated with one of my women, in danger of being pussy-whipped by her. I feel I just have to live this out, staying as conscious and open-hearted as possible.
  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

4wheelbeige* (8 posts) Click to EMail 4wheelbeige%2A Click to check IP address of the poster
02-Feb-01, 08:36 PM (PDT)
22. "RE: Sex positive therapists"
I did way out of whack stuff from '72-'85: I won't go into the details because I trust no level of electronic security. The most mainstream stuff was securring SWs. Other things were nearly off the chart, but would not have resulted in a life sentance. Through most of this time I was married to my highschool sweetheart, and to this day regret allowing myself to fuck up that relationship with the distractions and time taken up by this additicion.

I sought (voluntarily) the assistance of the college psychiatrist, who lecturred me about being a terrible Catholic, admonishing me to seek annulment of my baptism. (An interesting approach from a shrink at Berkeley in the early 70s.)

I sought (voluntarily) the assistance of the local priest, who was very interested in talking about whether or not it was a sin for him to masturbate.

I sought (a condition of probation) psychiatric help from the grandfather of psychopharmacology in this area, who doped me up so that I had no interest in anything: school, work, my wife, food, fishing, nothing. I stopped the medication after 6 months and went right back to it.

I sought (voluntarily, after losing my wife, and out of fear of jail) the help of a behavioral psychologist. He used several behavior modification techniques that I was able to take with e
These included visualizations, tape-recorded monologues, meditations, bio-feedback, massage, surrogates, electroshock (1.5v only) devices, and inhalants. I stayed out of jail, and I have remained disease-free. I did not stick with the program as well as I may have wished, and have had times when I dip back into the cruising, free-feel, and "sex with any warm hole" routines. But these are few and far between. I do think that an addictive personality can use sex as an escape, and love the adrenaline thrill ride. Getting off adrenaline is tough. Staying off is tougher. But getting off is the first step.

The behavioral psychologist was Stewart Nixon, in San Jose and Palo Alto. He was (then) affiliated with The Human Sexuality Center, in San Jose. He may now be retired, but maybe not. This was his specialty, and he was good. Look him up in Palo Alto.

If you need short term, behaviorist, talk therapy, Robert Badame in SF and PA is very sex-positive. And his talk is straight.

They both like cash customers.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

FatherConfessor (47 posts) Click to send private message to FatherConfessor Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
16-Jan-01, 05:27 PM (PDT)
10. "RE: You are correct, sir!"
WaywardSoul,

I've only been to one SexAA meeting, in Berkeley, and the people there were complete losers. I didn't see a single girl I'd be willing to sleep with. I think you'd be safe attending a meeting in Berkeley, which for some reason has really lousy looking women. However, if you live in Malibu, I'd say you'd better watch out.

I suspect a small number of women who work in the sex industry are sexually addicted. More are addicted to the money.

FC

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

fishfry* (146 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
17-Jan-01, 05:02 PM (PDT)
13. "What a great idea!"
I'm going to the next Sex Addicts meeting I can find, to pick up chicks.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

ElephantBalls (34 posts) Click to send private message to ElephantBalls Click to check IP address of the poster
17-Jan-01, 10:56 PM (PDT)
14. "addiction"
I think the lady above is correct. It is often a matter of different desires, needs, and sex drives. However, I think a good part of this is also one that I have experienced:

I am intelligent, curious, and seeking to live and explore life to its fullest. Part of life is sexuality -- I am interested in exploring, testing, experimenting, and evolving my sexual interests and desires. My wife -- now that the kids are here -- has none of these desires and only wants the months 2 minute drill.

So our "pack" of shared sexual connection and interest and changed dramatically. We are in vastly different places and do not share the same interests and desires. What does one do now?
Should a marriage fail because of this issue? can we not handle it like the French and permit these desires to be explored?

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Anonymous* (33 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
25-Jan-01, 03:00 PM (PDT)
17. "To waywardSoul"
I can only speek for myself but...
I have not seen any hot women at these meetings...if I did I am sure the thoughts would be there but I don't have to act on them.
Being sexualy sober doesn't mean that your mind will turn off...after all if it did we would be dead.
Also, as an addict I have come up with the craziest reasons to not get sober...ie: I deserve it....My wife deserves it...It doesn't hurt anyone but me...etc. I commend you on your reason not going to a meeting "some woman might think I am hot and we would have an affair and thus I will be hurting me and her...bla...bla...bla...
Can you see what absolute (yet creative) bullshit that is. Trust me, I have had the same nutty reasons...Take care Bro.

Anon.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

FatherConfessor* (7 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
28-Jan-01, 11:25 PM (PDT)
21. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
Saw a nice webpage on sexual addiction for the New Age-ish kinda reader --

http://chakra.org/articles/2001/01/25/sex.addiction/index.htm

FC

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

dogpound* (1 posts) Click to check IP address of the poster
05-Mar-01, 10:14 PM (PDT)
23. "RE: Sexual Addiction?"
I'm a young hobbyist, less than mid twenties, i'm pretty successful so i can afford to partake in these things every once in a while. I initially started off with dropping loads of cash in strip clubs. I often travel abroad as well and have had the pleasure/pain of seeing everything from europe to asia. let's be honest, i'm fit, handsome, no insecurites about meeting women, no problems meeting fine women, but since i started this hobby 2 yrs ago, i cannot stop. even when i'm dating girls that are 10's and having great sex i still partake in my new addiction. i find myself on the internet more and more doing more and more research trying to find out more and more about providers not just in the states but all over the world. as you probably know it's costing me. funny thing is i'm no marathon man, your average 15-25 minute brother but when i see a provider, five minutes tops. i don't know if it's the excitement or what, but afterwards comes the guilt everyone talks about.

what do i do.

  Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top


Lock | Archive | Remove

Lobby | Topics | Previous Topic | Next Topic

* Usernames ending in (*) are NON-registered users home | reviews | yahoo club | terms | powered by myredbook